There have been many times when I have wondered if I get "tested" by God to actually see if I would continue go to Him in the darkest hours and during the good hours as well. God knows that I am human. He also knows what this earth is like... what it holds... etc. Its amazing what God does, provides, and represents.
A friend has mentioned it to me that anger is like a sugar coating and covers up whatever is actually there underneath. I have actually seen this in myself and in others. Anger usually does cover’ up the bigger issue and what I am truly feeling.
I'd like to share a story if ya don't mind. (I'll try to narrow it down and try to be brief with it).
God saw that when I started college, I would want a new job. I did get a new job, about 8 months after I started college. It is and was a student job on the college campus I am and was attending. That is where I met an old friend/co-worker who introduced me to the online world (that and the job itself), including the chat world.
Later that year, while I was online chatting with a bunch of people, I was led to God. I must admit, though, that I had no idea what to do next. Because of that, I really didn’t grow spiritually. In fact, I didn’t grow at all. I know that sounds strange, but I was like a newborn baby. I needed someone to help me and to guide me.
In a sense, because of not growing and not being guided, the following spring I made a huge mistake. That spring I decided I was going to move down to Florida (I lived in IL (still do for that matter) at the time). I was going to be myself down there as well as help out a so-called friend. That was a pretty big mistake on a lot of counts. Mom didn’t trust me much after that. After some time, though, she started to trust me again. Because of the choices I made about going to Florida and the way I left, I messed up my life pretty badly. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but it did have a good ending.
I still have no idea how I managed to make it down to Florida with the old car I had at the time. The car I was driving was not a reliable car. Even though I knew where I was heading, I did not know exactly where I was going nor what I was getting into. I had some idea, but not the total picture. Actually, in some ways I wish that I had known exactly what I was getting into. There would have been more of chance of me staying home instead of going down to Florida. However, I am very grateful of the second part of the trip. Because of that, I am not sure I would want to change that part of the trip.
Within a matter of a few days of starting the trip, with some help of course, I was able to start digging my way out of the mess. A friend from GA (at the time) offered me a place to stay for a few days, which turned into a major blessing in disguise. She was willing to help, even though she had a husband and two kids of her own. (I am not naming names for good reasons).
She offered her place because she knew I was (as it turned out) in a dangerous situation. You see, I moved in with the woman that I was trying to help as well as her husband. Without going into too much detail of the situation, I got very scared of the situation I was in. You could say that I was in a situation really could have endangered myself, something I normally wouldn’t do unless I had very good reason. When I was there, I could not find that reason. It was like I wasn’t myself and couldn’t be myself there. I really felt myself wanting to get out of the situation. I guess the friend that helped me realized that I needed the help to get out of the situation. That is when she offered me a place to go to until things settled down a little. I hadn't admitted it to her or anyone else at the time, but I was very glad to get out of the situation.
I spent about 3 1/2 - 4 days at her place. Amazingly enough, her whole family accepted me as a part of their family. There were many online friends were also looking out for me as well (and did me some good not to be online for many days at the time due to a lot of majorly high emotions going around). Most of those friends were a great support system. And I was cut out of the situation I had gotten into until the day I got home. When I got home, I had to deal with a few things online, something of which I was not prepared for. The woman that I first went to stay with found me online and lets just say that we had our fair share of words with each other and with others.
While I was at the second home, the woman and I had many opportunities to talk, including about my faith. Well, I should say the lack of faith. I flat out told her I wanted to believe in God, that I wanted the faith that she and others had, but had absolutely no clue (and she knew about the earlier acceptance) of what to do. Nor did I know how to go about it, or how to do it. I also wanted to be able to grown spiritually (she saw that one though). She asked a lot of questions as well as I did. We got to know each other quite well that day.
As it turned out, we ended up praying together. During that prayer, I truly was able to accept Christ into my heart. I was smiling like crazy for the next several hours, and was the main topic at the dinner table that night. Her whole family really wanted to know how I felt about God, faith, etc. and also wondered why I had accepted Christ into my heart. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question, but in due time I was able to. I don’t remember the reason though. I just knew that I needed someone (God) to guide me because I wasn’t doing a good job of guiding myself.
That night, she gave me a book to read. It was about finding a church for my home. The book goes into detail about that and how to set up your own standards to find the church that you need to be in. I still have the book, though haven't finished it yet. I still needed to figure out what my standards were about everything. I spent another day and a half there. During the time I was able to start to think about it and slowly figure it out (with a little help from the friend…… by her asking questions).
I grew up catholic, but didn't know God in my heart whatsoever. I was baptized as a baby. In my 8th grade year, started having problems in going to church. You could say I really burned out during that time and really did not want to attend church. There was no faith in God. I was pretty lost during a time when I really needed God. I know God saw me through despite that. God saw me through all of this time on the trip as well. I know I would not have made it through with out God.
I did finally come home. Mom still didn’t know why I had left in the first place. I still wasn’t totally sure myself, so how could I tell her? I guess partly because of that, the next month or two, I was depressed (not that I hadn't had faced this before, not only with myself, but with others as well). I also think that it was because I was totally out of work and school until the summer session (I dropped out to go down to Florida and I can't work where I do unless I have 6 semester hours each semester.
During that time off, I found the Christian Depression list (which at the time was on another server). I found a tremendous amount of support. I realized that even Christians do get depressed. What I had faced before hand was that Christians aren’t supposed to be depressed. Within a few months (at the most), another member and I realized we live in the same state. To make things even weirder, we found out that we live in the same town. I really don’t know why we found each other (there are some idea’s of it), but I certainly glad that we did find each other!
I remember her inviting me to church, but I guess I just shrugged it off. I didn’t do anything until she invited a second time, and that time I actually took her up on the invitation (well, sort of. I made it to the church two weeks later with the kids I was baby-sitting at the time. Like usual, I was so scared to go that I thought by taking the girls with me, they would let me know if the church was OK or not). As it turned out, I ended up going back several times as well as the kids I was baby-sitting. The church did become my church home. Little did I realize that this event was just in the nick of time! I was able to find a church home and other Christians as well. I must admit that I still had my tough times after that, and even before the next major event of my life.
About a month and a half later my mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and I just about lost it that day. My world was pretty shattered at that point. I still remember the day we found out. That same day there was a small group meeting I was able to get out for awhile. It was also a friend’s birthday and I was so grateful to get the focus off of me for awhile, but I was so glad that I could turn to them for support.
For a few weeks I had a lot of roller coaster rides, which I got used to after awhile and it kinda prepared me for when mom started chemo. Unfortunately, she totally changed when after she started the chemo. It was like she was always in a bad mood. I was almost always walking on eggshells, which I hated because I didn't know when she was going to snap at me. I would usually take it personally too. I started learning not to take it personally, but that took a lot of work. There would be those times when those snaps and her mood swings that really got to me. I ended up spending more and more time in my room than anywhere else in the place we live.
As much as it hurts to admit to, there were those times when I just wished she would die because I couldn't take anymore of her, her attitude, etc. I hated the fact that I was going to lose my only mother, but I also just couldn’t take it anymore.
I had my good and my bad times, but what I remember is that God provided me with plenty of friends, the church itself, the pastor and his family, and many other good friends from the church. They were all placed in my life just when I needed it the most and have been there since day one.
Then in May of this year (of course the week after finals, which was a week after my birthday), mom was checked into the hospital to figure out what was going on with the fevers, etc. It was then that we learned that her cancer had spread. That was another blow. In June, I remember what started out as a rocky week, started going down hill and kinda fast. It was like we were all having a rotten Monday, but lasted all week. Thinking back to then, I remember seeing mom growing weaker (I knew that the month of May and the early part of June I didn't trust her driving). That Wednesday night mom had a bad night in sleeping. It was normal for her to have a restless start to the night, but apparently it got pretty bad. In the middle of the night mom ended up calling the hospice team and had one of the nurses come out in the middle of the night. I was up for two hours (and I thought that was bad, ugh).
The next day (Thursday) planned company showed up. My fairy godmother, as I have grown to call her, stayed the night that night. My grandparents also showed up that Thursday for different things. A nurse was out again checking on mom that day. I went to work like normal that Thursday. Because my fairy godmother had my bed that Thursday night, I was in the living room on old couch pillows sleeping (something I’m used to doing when she's here). It was worked out my grandparents would come back that Friday and grandma stay the night that night. Thursday night went by without incident. That Friday went by kinda fast. Before work (mom was going down hill pretty fast as it turned out). I started clearing out mom’s room for the hospital bed we were getting for her that day and that is when my grandparents showed up. Because there were other people in the house with mom, I went to work. I came home that day and spent the evening mostly in my room doing odds and ends there. I went out for dinner, etc. At around 10 p.m. grandma, mom and I went to sleep. Two hours later (slightly less), I was awakened by the phone. Grandma had apparently called the hospice team and it was mom’s nurse calling back. (I picked up a split second after grandma did, and I overheard grandma and the nurse talking and figured out that she called coz she thought mom was dead. Boy did I pray that she was just overreacting!) I hung up the phone and didn't leave my room for about 15 minutes. I had to go to the bathroom so bad I finally had to go into the other room and face grandma as well as head to the bathroom. The nurse finally showed up not long after that and it and pronounced mom dead. 2 1/2 hours later I was able to go into my room and hop on the computer, check email, and start chatting with an old friend who also has been there since day one and knows what its like to lose a mother. I was up until 4 am, was awakened at 5:30 for something or other, then the phone rang at 6, and that was the end of sleep until about 10 or 11 that night and literally on the go all day.
During the next few days I realized how many people knew me and/or knew my mom. There were so many people from the church showed up for the first visitation it was unbelievable, let alone the people from Wal-Mart (which is where mom worked for almost 6 years). Then there was the second visitation and the funeral. Quite a few people from where mom worked showed up for the funeral.
Since then I still have had a lot of troublesome days, but most of those days have related to grief, but I have learned that its OK to have your heart fall into many pieces and its OK to let God piece them back together for you. The key is to actually let yourself fall apart now and then. Another key is to give each piece to God and to actually *LET* God do it and not insist on doing it yourself.
Granted you have to live your life, but God is there to guide you, to be there for you, and to actually listen to you. Question is, is that enough for someone? I remember a close friend admitting that to herself. It has only been recently that I realize what she actually meant by that. I wish that I never had to deal with the cancer at all, as I know there is stuff that others wish that they didn’t have to deal with, but I had too as well as the others have had to deal with their stuff.
What I do with what I feel is the most important. That goes with any situation. God provides us help if we need the help to survive the world that we are in and to get ahead in life.
It’s amazing when it feels like my pastor is talking directly to me during his sermons. It has happened so many times recently its unbelievable. That has happened several times, as a matter of fact, since I have been going to the church. One Sunday the sermon was about illness, aloneness, faith, depression, and other stuff. Since then there was one about baby Jesus’ earth father, which as the sermon went on, the pastor was able to relate to the stuff that we go through. See, Jesus’ father obeyed God. Jesus’ father wanted to do his own thing in the situations he was in, but he was led by God to do it His way. He did. During the sermon, the pastor said some things that really took effect to my life. It was like he knew I needed to hear that sermon that day. Sometimes there are those times that we do need help with different things. The key is to admit to it. The next step is to do something about it. What the pastor was saying was that if you need help, get that help. Of course, it was a few days before that a friend and I had been talking about me getting help for what I am going through emotionally. It really is like my heart is just falling apart completely. My heart is still not put back together and I doubt it will be for a long time. The one thing I know, though, is that when it is put back together, it will be different then when it started falling apart. God puts back together our hearts, sometimes they are put back together in a brand new way and we have to get used to that.
This life I’m trying to live now is something totally new. I love being on my own finally (no brothers or sisters, dad’s not around, and grandparents are actually letting me grow up on my own, but now there are reasons for that, at least ones I can see). Just not the way it had to happen.