After being in the Army for 6 years doing personnel work, I left for a better job opportunity to work in the computer field. It was time for a change and I was looking forward to moving on. Unfortunately, the job was not what I expected. I went from a micro-managed environment to a hands-off environment and was left on my own. I felt alone and left out because my desk was in a basement room with other contractors that I did not know. Since I was new to the field, I was not given many tasks and had time on my hands for my mind to wander. This is where the trouble started.
I would have days when I would become so anxious that I just had to get out of the building; I couldn't stand being in there. I would start crying uncontrollably. I would tell my boss I was sick or had a personal emergency and go home and crawl into bed. I worried more and more and my attendance at church dropped. I was unable to function in social situations. I always felt like an outsider even though everyone at church welcomed me. Then I started having suicidal thoughts. I was talking to a friend about how I was feeling, but not letting my husband know. I didn't want to worry him. But my friend threatened to tell my husband if I didn't so I let him know. I went to our general physician and was given medication for depression. A few months later, we decided to purchase our first home. The process went smoothly and I prayed that God would provide if it was according to His plan. But in my mind, I was feeling undeserving; I was afraid someone would point a finger at me and say "You don't deserve this". We did get our home and move in. But I still worried and the feelings that I was undeserving still plagued me. On my 36th birthday, I became quit upset over some trifle that I cannot remember and I told my friend that I was going out to my car and have a handful of pills for lunch. He followed me to my car and wouldn't let me take the pills. He called my husband and they took me to the emergency room. I talked to their psychiatrist who said that I didn't need to be admitted since I had calmed down. He gave me a list of psychiatrists to call and made me promise to call one the next morning. I called my insurance company the next morning and got a same day appointment with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. We talked and she asked if I felt safe; meaning did I feel like I would try to harm myself again. I said, "Yes, I probably would try". She arranged for me to be admitted to a mental health hospital. That was the scariest 24 hours of my life! I was locked in a ward with strangers. I found a Bible and kept reading Isaiah 40:31 to give me strength. I talked with a psychiatrist the next morning and said that I was feeling better so he let me go home later that day. About two weeks after that, I overdosed on Midol; the only medicine in the house (we only had 18 of them). I called my friend to say goodbye. He called 911 then called back and told my daughter what I had done. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I was in the emergency room when my husband arrive. The hospital required me to drink liquid charcoal to counteract the pills. That was so gross! They let me go home later and the next day I was re-admitted to the mental health hospital. There I enrolled in their "New Life" program which uses Christian counseling to help depression. It focused on realizing that you are a child of Christ and worthy of His love; both issues that I needed help with. I really enjoyed the program and got a lot out of it. After that I was on anti-depression medication, two mood stabilizers, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety medication. That is a lot of pills in one day. Now I am doing much better. The suicidal thoughts are gone and I am down to the anti-depression medication and one mood stabilizer. I still haven't been able to attend church yet, but I do pray on my own and read Christian books. It has been tough and I feel like I have been to the edge and back, but I know that it is thanks to God that I am here and healthier than I was.